gas prices..

i just sold my social security number to a cuban runaway so i could buy a tank of gas...
it's time to think outside the box

NCR

what is life..

busy?

short?

precious?

sweet?

hard?

a blessing?

fragile?

strong?

intense?

a gift?

mended?

weak?

there are a million words to describe what life is, or what it might be. what it is to you is not necessarily what it is to me. what it is to me today is not necessarily what it was for me yesterday, or what it will be for me tomorrow. sometimes i'm grateful for life. sometimes i'm not. plain and simple. maybe one day i see a sunset on my way home and take a deep breath of clean, crisp air and think to myself "life is good." maybe one day there's 3 inches of yellow pollen on everything in sight and i can't breathe and i'm coughing and i can't sleep and i think to myself "life isn't so good." then there are other days, when i just cruise through and nothing "big" seems to happen, and i don't think about any of it. some days i simply forget the miracle that life is. kinda sappy, i know. here's why i'm writing today:
one of the special things about TORCH is that i've made some really great friendships over the years. i've met people who i didn't know at all and become close friends and i've develpoped close friendships into deep and meaningful lifetime friendships. i don't see a lot of these friends often, but everytime we talk or see eachother, it seems as though we never skipped a beat. it's a special bond, and i consider myself very lucky to have come into friendships like these with quality people like they are. that being said...
a few months ago i heard that one of my friends, brent adams, who i had met on a trip to honduras many years ago, was in a dirtbike accident. didn't hear much else about it, so i assumed he was ok and pretty much forgot about it. i spoke with brent today and asked him what he's up to. he said "you haven't heard?" i told him i had heard about a dirtbike accident but i hadn't heard any details. he said "dude i got MESSED UP!" then he told me the list of injuries he suffered -
- broken right shoulder
- broken right shoulder blade
- broken left arm
- broken left hand
- shattered left shoulder
- broken eye socket
- broken sternum
- broke all ribs on the right side
- broken back
i didn't know what to say.. then he told me that he is paralyzed from the waist down. again, no words came..
here's where the reason i'm writing about what life is to me, to you, comes full circle. brent told me that the accident was on december 8th 2007. he went into a jump and landed directly on his head. he was in a coma for over a month. doctors gave him a 10% chance to live. his parents flew to arkansas to say goodbye, because as it seemed, he wouldn't make it. i had chills when he was telling me and i have chills right now writing about it. he came out of the coma in january and has been in serious rehab in arkansas. he is moving back to florida to be with his family and continue his rehab. he also received news from the doctors that it might be an "incomplete injury" which could mean that he could possibly walk again.
today i feel like life is precious, like life is a miracle. tomorrow, i'll probably still have brent's story in mind and be thankful for the gift of life, definitely thankful for the gift of brent's life. i'm sure at some point i will have a day or several days of passing by the things that are significant because i'm too busy or too lazy or too something else. but today i'm grateful, because life is a gift.

NCR

brent has done some serious blogging and it's well worth the time to read, his words are much better than mine and you can follow his story and his recovery at http://www.brentadams.blogspot.com/

authenticity..

i just bought a copy of "blue like jazz" by donald miller. the first time i heard about "blue like jazz" was a few years ago when i was living in honduras. mark connell told me the book was great, that i would love it because it shows perspective on christianity that is different from what i've grown up with. i didn't buy it then, i don't know why, i just didn't.. i ended up getting "searching for god knows what" about a year ago, it was another one of miller's books and i immediately connected with his writing style and loved the book. he spoke at lipscomb pretty soon after i read that, and after hearing him speak i bought "through painted deserts." he speaks in simple terms and clearly defines what he thinks, but it doesn't make you want to believe exactly what he believes, it just makes you question what you believe, which i think is a healthy way to grow in your faith. if you never question what you believe, you're saying that you have it all figured out.. so i got a gift card to a book store (for those of you who know me well, you might laugh at this gift, as i'm not much of a reader, per say...) and i bought "blue like jazz." i'm not doing some sort of book review that i didn't tell you about, or preaching the gospel of donald miller, but i would recommend reading his stuff, especially "blue like jazz."
i'm a little over halfway through, and somewhere in the middle he is talking about his church, the things he loves about it, and he said a word about it that made me think about myself, my friends, family, and churches that i have attended: authenticity.
for some reason recently i think the spirit has put a ministry focus on my heart. i don't mean that i'm going to start preaching from a pulpit, just that i think we are all called to minister to everyone we come in contact with. this is something that i haven't done well at in my life. if i don't know you, i might come off as a jerk, or someone who just doesn't care. but the truth is, i care very much, and i'm working on making that more apparent to the people i come in contact with. i think someone, or some group of people, would have enormous success ministering if they were authenic about their lives. i have been to few, if any, churches who are a group of people who are completely authentic with their faith. i'm not saying that they aren't good places to grow spiritually, or that they aren't good people. but if we face the reality of life, we are broken people with more problems than we let on. in a church of 400 members, you can bet your bottom dollar that there are 400 people who struggle with loneliness, greed, envy, lust, alcohol, trust issues, family problems and the list goes on. but how many of those people come to the building on sunday morning and lay it all out there? not many, if any. we all come in our sunday best, put on the show that we're happy to be there (when sometimes we know good and well that we'd rather be at home) and that everything in our life is wonderful.
i have 2 problems with this. actually i have more, but 2 for now. first, how can we minister to eachother if we can't be honest with eachother and share our struggles, concerns, doubts and fears, hopes and aspirations? how can you pray for my problems when i don't tell you what they are? and for that matter, how can i tell you i'm struggling with this or with that, when it seems that you don't struggle with anything, let alone the things that i struggle with? god gave us community to share and lean on eachother to build strength and faith. my other problem is, that we need to be very aware that the world around us doesn't have the same sentiments about god, jesus, or christianity. people believe what they believe for a reason, and for good reason. maybe they have been wronged by a christian, who didn't act in a christian way. or maybe they are tired of seeing hypocrites saying they are christians and not serving the way a christian should. we don't need to know their specific reason for believing what they believe, but we do need to be aware of what they believe. and a defensive response to someone saying that all christians are hypocrites is natural, but guess what: it's true. i'm a hypocrite, you're a hypocrite. not that we should embrace that fact as something good, but it's the truth. i don't want to ruin the book, because it's a pretty big part of it, but a group of christians set out to minister to people by confessing to them. not saying "we're holy, tell us your sins" but saying "we're broken, we apologize for sinning against you. we're sorry for being judgmental and arrogant, but not living out the lives that jesus called us to live, and claiming that we are doing exactly that. god called us to love everyone, and we haven't loved everyone. we're sorry." maybe this isn't the best way of bringing people closer to a relationship with god, but maybe it is, or maybe it's a great idea. are the broken pouring in the doors of your church? are non-believers asking you to tell them about your jesus? if they are, tell me what you're doing. i think that a non-believer is more likely to listen to me if i say "i'm a sinner, i fail god everyday, but i still believe he loves me and wants me to be with him. jesus is my savior and my friend, and he died for me because he loves me." rather than "homosexuality is an abomination. repent and be baptized" or "you should come to my church and see how happy everyone is."

i don't know. just some thoughts. i'm not authentic that much of the time. i should be.

NCR

tis the season..

when was it that you realized that santa wasn't real? oh, you still haven't? me either, carry on...

remember when you were convinced of how real he was? i specifically recall one instance in the third grade (funny how i can remember this and not remember what i ate yesterday) in which my belief system was tested. one of my classmates, a very cool, well-dressed, had the newest nike jordan's kinda kid was telling a group of us that santa wasn't real. "oh he's real" i said. "i saw him last year." my classmates were intrigued by my response to this santa-isn't-real accusation from the cool kid. "yeah, i saw him delivering my presents, and he ate some cookies and left" i said. "what did he look like?" someone asked. "just like his helpers at the mall, he had his suit on and a big white beard, but i didn't get a good look at his face, i didn't want him to know i was watching, i didn't want to get in trouble."
this may seem hard to believe, but this story that i told in 3rd grade was a complete fabrication. that doesn't mean i didn't completely believe the story i was telling, i convinced myself to believe that it was true, because i wanted to believe in santa so badly. eventually i came to the hard truth, it was a hard time, but it has been a year now and i am in full recovery.
my question is: who is santa clause to you? the mythical santa clause is a man who gives you what you ask for as long as you're good. sound familiar to any other stories that you might have been told? because it seems to me that a lot of people look at someone else in the exact same manner. i used to think this way. to me, god was someone i went to when i needed something. if my prayer was answered, i must have been having a good week, didn't sin too much. if i didn't get what i asked, oops, must have slipped up a few too many times. it was a pretty consistant prayer: "give me this, give me that, i want this, i want that. p.s- if it's your will." didn't really know what that last part meant, so i didn't really mean it. how many times have you seen a kid sit on santa's lap and say: thanks for all the things you've given me over the years, i know you didn't have to do that, and i bet it's a hassle going up and down so many chimneys, so thanks for doing that too.
hard to believe, but god isn't santa. maybe you don't, but a lot of people look at god this way. maybe not exactly like santa, but as a figure who they can ask for things they need, and be a good person, then get to heaven. but god isn't santa. god doesn't come around once a year to give us what we need, and retreat to the north pole for the rest of the year. god doesn't want to be the guy who gives us what we need and leaves. and i'm not saying it's bad to ask god for things, i ask him for a lot of things, a lot of the time. but he wants us to be in a relationship with him, be faithful to him, and know that he will provide for our needs. he does it all the time without us even asking for it!
tis the season. remember what an amazing god we serve. he gave us his son, who lived and died on this earth so we have a chance to live with our god in heaven.

happy holidays
NCR

patience is..?

a virtue? if so, i don't consider myself very virtuous.. i have noticed recently how impatient i am, and i have to admit, it's pretty hypocritical.. i see it most when i'm driving. it doesn't even have to be anything that directly affects me on the road, if i see someone do something going the other direction turning the wrong way i think to myself: "what an idiot!!" and worse, if someone does something to me, like cut me off or slam on their brakes, i am ready to go to war with them. i always joke around that if there were some way of installing a rocket launcher on the front of my truck, i would do it. that way, when someone in front of me ticks me off while i'm driving, i can just push a button and blow them into history, and drive through the remains of what used to be their car. well, i know that's not the answer, but sometimes it sure seems like it would make me feel better.
sometimes the small things have much greater significance. i was thinking about how easily i can get angry at someone. the driving thing is just one example of many. lately i've been trying to focus on living my life like jesus. this should be a constant, i realize, but not much about my life is constant, so i take it day by day. as i read about jesus, i see a man who is mild mannered and loves people. rich, poor, lazy, busy, strong, weak, sick, powerful, lowly. he knows his purpose. he knows why he was sent to earth- to show the world the love of the father. story after story of jesus being tired at the end of the day, and someone coming to him in need of healing or just want to hear him speak the word. granted, even jesus had times when he didn't want to be around people, and even times when he was angry, but on a day to day basis of his life, he was the kind of person you want to be around. loving and caring. it's definitely not an easy thing to be loving and caring to everyone. especially in our busy lives. but i bet jesus still would be the same loving and caring person he was then, today. so i have to remind myself throughout the day, follow the footsteps of jesus. imagine the effect we would have on people if we treated them the way jesus would. just tonight i passed a man on the street. it's cold and wet in nashville. i should have offered him something. anything. even offered him a smile. i don't know what jesus would have done, but i doubt it was what i did; look the other way. i'm not saying we have to be a saint, forfeit all our earthly treasures and live in a monastary. but i know that i need to start loving people like jesus does. no bias, no prejudice. there's no good reason to not respect someone enough to show them jesus. we shouldn't save that for sundays. i need to start living a life that reflects the love that i've been shown. i have the perfect example.

praying for patience

NCR

better than no one..

a few days ago when i brushed the dust off my bible and opened it up, i turned to hosea.. not sure why, that's just where i ended up. i think it's partly because i wanted to read about a people not so different from myself, who turned away from god for a time, but god in his infinite love, eagerly anticipated them to return to a covenant with him. i'm not saying i was off the map, and i'm certainly not celebrating that, just celebrating god's love for me.
i can only speak for myself, but i have a feeling most of us are in the same boat on the subject of justification. what i mean is this- how often do we justify who we are and what we do, by comparing our lives to someone "less great" than we are? for example- "my spiritual life isn't where it should be, but i'm sure better off than ____." what is that?!!?! where to we get that? when did jesus ever say it's about being better than your neighbor? he didn't. not even close. but i still look at the guy next to me and have this sick idea that i am somehow better than him. it's wrong on so many levels.. with that mindset it's gonna be impossible to minister to anyone. self righteousness is no way to bring people to jesus. that IS the goal, and with that in mind, maybe we should learn from the best- jesus himself. the one and only person capable of having the thought "i'm not a sinner like you" didn't have it! not only did he not have it, he specifically reached out to the "lowest" of people. he didn't hang out with people like him, like we do. we place ourselves with people who are like us- make similar mistakes, have similar faith.. jesus went to the prostitutes, the thieves, the tax collectors, fishermen, lepers, cripples, and showed them the love of the father. somethin's gotta change. whose footsteps are we following? we're all children of the same god. we are all equally loved by the same god. he loves me just as much as he loves you. he loves me the same way he loves the guy in prison for murder, the same way he loves the drug addict, the cashier at the gas station, the lady who cut me off on the freeway. it's about time we start loving people the same way.
i'm not pointing fingers, i'm absolutely talking to myself. i just know that i see people everyday who need to be shown the love of christ, not to be looked down on because they're sinners. we need to accept that we're no better than anyone, and what god calls us to do is to love everyone. i know that i need to change my foolish mindset that i'm "better" than someone into displaying compassion on them and reaching out for fellowship and ministering to the people who god puts in my life.

humbled. searching.
NCR

don't count on this to last..

i doubt i've stumbled upon some motivation to start blogging on a regular basis, but who knows.. what i do know, is that god is at work. all the time. even when you aren't working with him. i'm amazed at the persistance of god. he isn't just monitoring me from a distance. he's not on a brisk walk watching me as i go through life. he's chasing me. actively after my soul, because he wants me to be with him. i was reading in hosea tonight and it just reminded me of what true love is. there's nothing we can do to make god fall out-of-love with us. we can, and do, cheat on him. on a regular basis. it might be with our jobs, school, money, addictions, whatever it might be, or a big combination of some or all of these. god knows our mistresses, knows them well. not for a second does he want us to be with another, but he never changes.
the difference with me is, when i know someone has forsaken me for another. i have a hard time letting that go. forgetting it- pretty much out of the question. i'm not married. don't plan on it for quite some time. plenty of reasons for that, but i know i'm not ready for something like that. i've got a lot to learn. but what i do think about it, is that if i were to have a wife that continuously cheated on me, it would be difficult to let that go. it would be difficult to forgive, even more difficult to forget. but everyday god is forgiving and forgetting my sins against him. when i come to him, he doesn't think in the back of his mind that he deserves to be a little upset with the way i've acted today, and about those things i said last week. i'm always having a hard time forgiving myself. god has already forgotten the things i'm still trying to forgive myself about. he's in a marriage with us, knowing we're gonna cheat on him, but he's still gonna pour his love on us like a bride walking down the isle in her wedding dress. derek webb's song "wedding dress" is a great one for this subject. he puts to words the story of god and his church. but i want to put up a verse that caught my eye, it was israel's plea to god early in the book of hosea:

hosea 6:1-3
come , let us return to the lord
for he has torn us, but he will heal us
he has wounded us, but he will bandage us
he will revive us after two days
he will raise us up on the third day
that we may live before him
so let us know, let us press on to know the lord
his going forthis as certain as the dawn
and he will come to us like the rain
like the spring rain watering the earth



undeservingly loved
NCR