I'm smellin coffee..

last night was one of those nights. the kind when you just lay in bed, eyes wide open, can't go to sleep. at first i tossed and turned, as if that was going to help. then i realized that i was not falling asleep, so i just started thinking, praying. all over the map, thinking about things that i havent thought about in years it seems, and praying about some of the same things i've been praying for years. "Lord, i need guidance in my life. what am i supposed to do? where am i supposed to be? Father, lead me to where you want me to go.. Father, i dont understand how you can love a sinner like me. i know that i am forgiven, but sometimes i cannot comprehend Your love for me"
i've been dealing with these things since i was old enough to realize that we are all called to something, and since i found God's grace and forgiveness. so after a long night last night, i'm up early, and i go to one of my favorite psalms, it always gives me peace, psalms 139 vs 16 "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." gets me every time. every time i worry about what i am supposed to do, or where i'm supposed to be, He is right there in front of me saying.. "nathan, be patient, and follow Me.."
also i have been struggling with letting go of things from my past. a good friend of mine has been helping me through, and i'm very grateful. being here, i've had a lot of time to reflect. interesting how much more i think about things when i'm not worried about my cell phone ringing, or planning something to do with my friends. i've taken myself back to some things that i have done, things that i havent been able to let go of. i know i am forgiven, i'm sure of it actually, but there is still a feeling of guilt, not between God and i, just a struggle within myself. this weekend i let those things go. tossed them into the wind. God has forgiven me, so why cant i forgive myself? we all have those things, and i hope that if you have them now, that you will let them go. don't hinder your growth in the present because of something in your past. God has already forgotten it. His mercy has already swept, and mopped it up. we are clean.
2 requests-
1) please keep praying for my dad, he has finished his radiation, and he will have some scans done soon to see how that went. pray with faith that God has entirely removed cancer from his body. we can move mountains, let's remove a disease with our prayers
2) also, a dear friend of my uncle's in california was just diagnosed with more cancer, the doctors haven't given him very good odds, but as we all know, odds are nothing to our God. his name is Chip Anderson, please pray for him.